sweet time

i'm feeling sad. ramon, hopefully you still read my blog since we don't talk anymore. but this isn't directed towards you i was just thinking about how we don't talk anymore.

but but but. i have a 60 in chemistry, and i'm pretty upset about it because i don't think i'm going to be able to pass this quarter and my semester grade isn't strong enough to support a D- thats me being optimistic considering there are still grades to be put in. but but but, dude, something is missing from my life. seriously. there is a void in my life that isn't getting filled. not with your company (no one in particular), not by eating (coming from a former fat kid), not trees (coming from someone that loves em), not alcohol (coming from someone thats willing to try it, even though i don't like it), not even winning gov. elections (coming from someone that really did want it). and i watched 30 rock and they made the point that there is always someone out there thats having a day worse than yours, that doesn't make me feel better! that makes me think of all those ethiopians in ethiopia starving to death and i'm complaining that i'm a lazy ass mother fucker that won't take the fucking time to read a god damn book and gain some knowledge?! are you kidding me. i'm spoiled out of my mind and i'm taking advantage of it by taking it for granted. i don't even know the value of a dollar, i charge my debit card like its never ending. i really do need to learn the value of money, i need a job. i just need to feel better .

dude, and i feel that i don't have any talents at all. everyone can sing or dance or write or whateverrrr. i don't have that shit. i'm pathetic nigga. and i have bad karma /; i feel like i have good karma on school related things. like if i don't do my homework god always helps me out and makes sure my teachers don't ask for it that day or i get enough time to bullshit. dude dude dude and its impossible for me to be happy for someone,especially grades. dude i have problems with everything. my parents raised me wonderfully, spoiled me with everything i want. i remember when i was young i used to always run up to the tv and scream at the top of my lungs I WANT THAT!!!!! and i would magically have it after the weekend. but but but /; now its not like that anymore. i don't know what i want! i don't know anything. knowing isn't my specialty anymore. shopping and being materialistic doesn't even make me happy anymore. to be honest i'm normally LAZY to shop, yep. somethings wrong. and and and dude, i can't stick to a song anymore. i wanna listen to music but i don't know what i wanna listen to. does that make sense? i'm like searching and searching for the perfect song for this specific time and there is NOTHING NOTHING at all. i want some metal bullshit to block my thoughts then i want something to sing to then i want some instrumentals then i want some shit to put me to sleep. damnit. fix me!

i need some more jesus in my life.